i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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