If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
