I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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