I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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