I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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