you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize