Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
