Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
