she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
