I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
