How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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