i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize