She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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