I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
