lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
