Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize