I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
