Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
