he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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