There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize