i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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