peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
