Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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