I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize