I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
