Plan B is the new Plan A
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
