i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
