Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
