Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
