just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
