I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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