he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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