whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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