He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
