I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
