My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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