I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
