mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
