Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
