I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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