i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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