Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
