sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
