Cold hands, warm shart.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
