were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
