She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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