Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
