Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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