did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
