I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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