Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
there is glitter all over my balls
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