dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
