My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
