i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
