My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize