I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
