i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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