Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
