I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
