In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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