she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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