I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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